Somewhat dirty joke

[DurocShark]

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his bus over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the engine.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your bus rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[LiveonJG]

You've gotta love these:
:smt042 :smt043 :smt081 :smt037

[Amskeptic]

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ed. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ed says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ed removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ed says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ed isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ed removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ed's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ed asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ed stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ed's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ed told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over the IRS auditor's desk and that auditor would be happy about it."

[DurocShark]

:smt046 :smt044 :smt043 :smt042 :smt040