Jokes

[whc03grady]

"Man, I embarrassed myself last week. I needed to fly to Pittsburgh, so I went up to the ticket counter. The young lady there was immaculately endowed. She asked, 'Can I help you?' and I accidentally said 'Yes, I need two pickets to Titsburgh.'"

"Yeah, I did that recently recently too. Just yesterday at breakfast I meant to ask my wife, 'Could you please pass the Corn Flakes?' but what I said was 'Bitch, you ruined my life!'"

[aopisa]

A man walks into a diner, sits down at the counter and orders a cup of coffee. He notices that the guy sitting next to him has barely touched his bowl of chili.

The man says "That looks pretty good, you going to eat that?"

The diner replies, "Nah, be my guest."

The man starts eating the chili. He has eaten about half when he discovers a dead mouse and immediately throws up back into the bowl.

The guy sitting next to him says, "That's about as far as I got too."

[Amskeptic]

A man walks into a diner, "That's about as far as I got too."

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww,
Colin

[hercdriver]

I've cut this thing three times, and it's still too short.

[Lanval]

Dr. Heisenberg left his lab late one night, elated that he'd been able to resolve a difficult calculation. As he sped along, lost in a reverie of pleasure, he noticed some lights flashing in his mirror. Ever attentive, he pulled over, rolled down his window, and waited patiently for the officer.

The policeman walked up to the window, ticket book in hand, leaned down and asked, "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?"

"No," replied Heisenberg, "But I can tell you where I was!"

[Randy in Maine]

Pat and Mike are in a local pub having a few. More than a few.

After a couple of hours, MIke turns to Pat and says, "You know Pat...If I were to sneak over to your house right now AND sleep with your wife AND she got pregnant AND had my son......would we then be "cousins?"

Pat thinks for a while and replies, "Gee Mike I don't know about us being "cousins", but we would be even."

[Randy in Maine]

Not really a joke....

My father Leo worked at John Deere in Ankeny Iowa for over 30 years. Most of the time he drove the 25 miles down there and back with the same 3 car pool guys. Every afternoon on the way home they would all stop at Madrid bowling alley to buy a refreshment for the last half of the drive home. Every day 3 of them would buy a Pabst Blue Ribbon and my father would buy a Mountain Dew.

One spring day they all went into the bowling alley as was the custom, and purchased their beverage for the remaining ride home. When my father's turn came about, he requested a Pabst along with the other 3 members.

Upon leaving the bowling alley, his buddy Claude turned to my dad and said, "Leo, we have been doing this same ride every day for 30 years now. Every day you get a Mountain Dew and today you got a beer. What is up?"

"Oh, I gave it up for lent."

[Amskeptic]

Not really a joke....

My father Leo worked at John Deere in Ankeny Iowa for over 30 years. Most of the time he drove the 25 miles down there and back with the same 3 car pool guys. Every afternoon on the way home they would all stop at Madrid bowling alley to buy a refreshment for the last half of the drive home. Every day 3 of them would buy a Pabst Blue Ribbon and my father would buy a Mountain Dew.

One spring day they all went into the bowling alley as was the custom, and purchased their beverage for the remaining ride home. When my father's turn came about, he requested a Pabst along with the other 3 members.

Upon leaving the bowling alley, his buddy Claude turned to my dad and said, "Leo, we have been doing this same ride every day for 30 years now. Every day you get a Mountain Dew and today you got a beer. What is up?"

"Oh, I gave it up for lent."

From the stage of Real Life . . . =D>

[Emily's Owner]

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable.

The Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much", said the nun.

"Very well sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade." said the company spokeswoman.

The Mother Superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'f***ing shovel'".

[Amskeptic]

Texas politician came blasting into a sleepy little town in Maine on his Elect Me! Motorcoach.

"BACK WHERE I COME FROM, YOU KIN GIT IN YER CAR IN THE MORNING AND IT'LL TAKE YOU AWL DAY TO DRIVE AROUND YER OWN PROPERTY!!" the expansive politician boasted.

"Ayep." replied a Maine farmer, "I had a caah like that once, too."

[JLT]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and
dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you
found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[pj]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?


She couldn't control her pupils.

[whc03grady]

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."

"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you are done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."

It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked.

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."

[Randy in Maine]

Two for the price of one...(it is OK as they are not really that funny). Since this week I have been snowblowing 16" and then another 8" of snow, my joke theme is "snow".

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......" Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"